My Life and Times

buckio@gmail.com — Sat, 14 May 2005 19:59:04 GMT

This is... just... amazing...

Mum had sex with son, 18

A MUM faces jail after she admitted having sex with her 18-year-old son.

A court heard how Sylvia Payne, 45, and teenager Mark were lying on a bed when he suffered a panic attack.

Payne comforted him with a hug and ?one thing led to another?, magistrates were told.

Another member of the family found out and was so disgusted they alerted police.

At first Payne, a jobless mother of seven, denied the allegations. But she later admitted having full consensual sex with the teenager. They arrived together for the hearing in Workington, Cumbria.

Prosecutor David Handsford told the magistrates: "It seems they were in bed watching a video. Mark had suffered a panic attack and when she gave him a cuddle and comforted him one thing led to another."

Mike Woolaghan, defending, said: "There is a lot that has gone on in terms of abusive behaviour within the family and Mrs Payne is perhaps as much a victim in this as anyone else."

One thing led to another? I am actually speechless. What's even better? Check out the fucking picture:

Maybe his baseball cap was too far over his eyes or something. But seriously, that's astonishing. And fucking hilarious.

Original story at: http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2004360349,00.htm. Yes, for the first time ever I found something out from The Sun. So sue me.

buckio@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Feb 2005 00:56:55 GMT

Massive apologies to anyone who took my advice and went to the We Skullfucked Pikachu gig tonight. It was an absolute disaster of unparalleled proportions. Let's run through what went wrong:

Jam the Drummer: Pissed, or at least tipsy. I didn't notice anything, but Kit complained after the set. Speaking of...

Kit the Lead Guitarist: Completely in a world of his own. Playing his own rhythms, changing rhythms through the duration of the songs, making keeping up with him an impossibility.

My guitar lead: Kept cutting out to the point where I had no sound. I gave up and walked off for a pint.

My microphone: Didn't work - which is something of a relief since I botched the words to America : Fuck Yeah! rather badly.

At least Rory can use the footage of me storming off to get a pint, and the changing of the drummers, in his mockumentary - about the only thing salvagable from the gig.

Again, I'm so sorry, everyone.

buckio@gmail.com — Thu, 24 Feb 2005 17:05:02 GMT

Before we start:

TONIGHT: We Skullfucked Pikachu + Raging Fuck Death + Clunge Slop + some dude called Ollie + Stripy playing the wheels of plastic
7pm, The Marquee, ONE POUND ENTRY

I will be very unhappy if at least half the Norwich people on my friends list do not make this. Also, I will give them whatever a Clunge Slop is.

Practice yesterday was... OK. The first half an hour was pretty good, but in 3 hours the sum total of songs we had lasted a grand total of 12 and a half minutes. So, expect tons of fucking around, fucking up, and the legendary We Skullfucked Pikachu made-up-on-the-spot jamming. And maybe some violence. And Naked Bill. Rory is still bringing a camera anyway, so it shall be recorded for posterity. One last thing - we have a very special cover in mind - anyone who has seen Team America: World Police, you must hear it...

So, onto today. Does anyone remember my infamously terrible attempted interaction with "Somerfield emo girl" last year? Click this if you don't. Weeeell... it happened again. Different words, different situation, different girl, same result of me looking like a total berk. Proof, if ever it were needed, that a) I don't learn and b) I am hilariously hopeless. The following seminar seemed to go by in a haze of "God I'm so fucking stupid". There was a jobs fair afterward in the LCR, and it was the biggest waste of a small amount of my time ever. The businesses at the fair were split into 3 categories:

- Voluntary work/charities (yeah, like I want to graduate with massive debts in order to earn nothing)
- Temp agencies that I can register for online anyway
- Utterly inappropriate employers - a countryside hotel was one of the more staggeringly stupid and unsurprisingly ignored.

Stripy, Jam and Hobsy have just left for The Marquee. I will be there for about 7 - see you all there!

buckio@gmail.com — Wed, 23 Feb 2005 13:14:14 GMT

Has it really been a week since my last update? More to the point, has anyone even noticed or cared?

As you may have noticed, it has been snowing fairly heavily lately. This was especially true overnight, as I have looked out of my window to find several inches has settled upon the ground. So, I ask you all - am I the only person utterly uneneamoured by it? I mean, it's a bastard cross between cold rain and dandruff, it soaks you and makes homeless people die of hypothermia - why is that a good thing? Snowmen, you say? Oh yeah, great, row upon row of hideously deformed people who would have been burned at a stake if they were born into reality like that - like Edmund's offspring. I have to make it to band practice today through the damned stuff, not to mention tomorrow's gig at the Marquee. Oh, and speaking of...

Monday night at The Riverbank, eating tons of chinese food for Suzanne's birthday, and Kit, Ian and I get into a short conversation about tomorrow's gig. We complain about our lack of equipment (easy there), and suggest it may be necessary to cancel the gig. Which Kit takes to mean as "the gig is definitely off and I must now tell Ross". Ross reschedules his week, and we are suddenly down to one vocalist. So if you're wondering why me and Bill are alternating on vocals tomorrow, and Ross isn't there, that's why. Blame Kit. It's his fault and he deserves a kicking.

'Twas some weekend though. An enjoyable Chains, aside from incidents which I wasn't privy to but sounded somewhat insane, brought crashing back to Earth by the kind of hangover the next day that makes you think you've been hit in the head with a shovel repeatedly. I woke up early especially to avoid Hubbman, the stayaway landlord, but fate decided to shit on me; I was about to leave the house when I saw it was snowing. "Screw this," thought I, and read a little until it stopped. When it did, I opened the door to leave... only to find said landlord waiting on the doorstep. Damn... Though I did leave Stripy to deal with him a couple of minutes later, dishevelled, unwashed and hardly awake - bwahahaha.

Sunday. House party. I'm sure some events passed (I vaguely remember chasing some girls around the house when the Benny Hill theme was playing if that's of any help) and plenty of pictures taken. Go find them. Followed up by another massive hangover the next day - I hope this isn't a sign of me getting old, I really do...

Lest I remind you again - We Skullfucked Pikachu + Raging Fuck Death + random antics, this Thursday, The Marquee. 7.30 doors, ?1 entry, you have no excuses not to be there. And if you go to the LCR instead I will hunt you down and cut you.

buckio@gmail.com — Wed, 16 Feb 2005 22:15:34 GMT

For any of you interested in my life/random stuff about an essentially unimportant person, I finally got my site working up at IanBuck.com. I put a second short story on there as well, although it doesn't work for me - but does for others - something to fix when I can be bothered, methinks.

So much stuff still to be done for next week - lest I remind you what it's all in aid of...

Be there.

buckio@gmail.com — Sat, 12 Feb 2005 18:25:54 GMT

Drew, of 'Draw With Drew' fame, says:

God has made many amazing creatures. One of the best has got to be the beaver.

Of all the random quotes to find in a Salvation Army childrens' magazine. Proof that religious cults are teaching our children filth and smut from an early age, and so the whole world should be atheist. It's the only way to keep kids safe!

Said magazine also included the only comic I can ever recall that actually had no punchline. None at all, not even a punchline so horrendously unfunny it made you want to tear off your face that the author even got work in the first place; just no punchline. I feel sad that I left it in the pub now - oh curses.

May I now take this opportunity to express my absolute mortification and severe anger at the impromptu closure of The Fugitive/The Lawyer. As The Fugitive, it was a bloody good pub, with cheap alcohol and mostly good music, plenty of punters and a good atmosphere. As The Lawyer, it had better, though more expensive, beer, and while not as good, it was still as good a place as any to while away a Monday evening with friends. Now it has been shut, the staff sacked (without any notice - surely this is illegal) and it will return in April as an 'upmarket pub'. Bollocks - they just want overspill from the Wetherspoons opposite, and the types that frequent that particular drinking establishment are about as upmarket as a bowel movement - the human equivalent of the act of squatting over a sewer drain. All about profits, and it won't work - people who came back to The Lawyer, few as they were, won't go to whatever this place turns out to be, and it'll close unceremoniously within months as it fails to take the punters away from the J.D. Wetherspoon conglomerate. They lose money, which is good, because they've taken one of the few 'alternative' pubs left in Norwich. Which ones have fallen by the wayside since I've been here?:

The Cricketers' Rest: The original. Taken over during the Summer of my first year, and haven't been back since.
The Catherine Wheel: Took over the goth and metal nights from The Cricketers', and all was going exceedingly well... until a cocksure collective of 40 or so pock-ridden cuntwads calling themselves ATL showed up to beat the (either brave or very stupid) punters on a weekly basis, until said nights got taken away. Now, amusingly enough, a gay pub - wonder how the Abortions That Lived like that one?
The Fugitive: Place of my Monday night drinking for the whole summer, now sadly gone.

We're now left with The Marquee - well, until another bunch of bikers come to trash the place and assault the landlord and family - and The Ferryboat. Not the greatest pubs in the land by anyone's stretch of the imagination, and with overpriced booze to boot. The toilets in The Marquee, especially, deserve some special mention - the urinals aren't so much urinal cubicles, as a wall you have to piss against. It's as grisly as it sounds.

My roots are coming through horribly, but I've been banned from dying my hair until the landlord has visited, on pain of Stripy and Ad depositing their fecal matter in the front room and forcing me to clean it up. Oh, did I not mention? I successfully managed to spend a good part of the day in the city doing nothing in particular, only to be informed that Mr Hubbard had not called round. What a jackass. So, presumably, he'll turn up tomorrow at 9am, with myself and Ad nursing potentially destructive hangovers, possibly in a foul mood because I've been unable to clean the last of the gunk from my window, and evicting us on the spot after we turn down his advances. And also because we've done a good job of destroying his house, but that's of no consequence.

Wine and Waterfront tonight. No pub crawl due to a severe wallet deficiency. Also: drinking wine is a surefire way to get you crawling - pub crawls, ironically, are not. See you there Norwich types!

In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there

buckio@gmail.com — Fri, 11 Feb 2005 18:36:14 GMT

Not that you'll ever see it, but my room is actually approaching "clean". For the first time since I moved in, I think. I even had a mostly-fruitless attempt at cleaning my window - infamous throughout Norwich for the rotten gunk that has collected on it throughout my tenancy. What has caused this amazing change in my attitude towards hygiene?

The landlord visits tomorrow.

We've been reasonably lucky in terms of landlord visits here, in spite of everything going wrong or breaking, but now we must face the music and present the house to him. Egads. Wish us luck.

My hands smell of Flash liquid and rubber gloves. Kinky or gross - tell me which.

This weekend is unnecessarily busy. Tonight I'm out to The Mischief for Lex's birthday shindig, and tomorrow Deviant Soc have arranged something of a mini-crawl; usually, you'd have a hard time stopping me from drinking myself under the table after about the third alcohol hole, but I have neither the money nor the compulsion to do so this time around. Besides which, it leaves no time for my two weekend rituals - getting takeaway pizza, and getting pissed on wine in front of Black Books with Ad. Classy times, classy guys.

buckio@gmail.com — Sun, 06 Feb 2005 21:29:14 GMT

Welcome back to Norwich. Please leave all reading materials and comprehendable accents on the train; they are neither welcome nor necessary here.

Now I've used up my stupid-statement allowance for this entry, let me get to the crux. Rammstein was utterly spafftacularly brilliant. Their music may be essentially simple, but they rock like monkeys, and have the greatest stage show ever - the set looked like it had come straight out of a bad big budget sci-fi movie, and the fire! Oh the fire, and the fireworks, and the smoke plumes - it was an amazing, if utterly suffocating, experience. Well worth the high cost of the ticket and the roundabout way of getting home in the safest way possible; paranoid, me? You fucking betcha.

The night before, the family and myself had gone to a restaurant named The Dining Room in Reigate, for my brother's 18th birthday. I voluntarily tied my hair back, not realising how bad it looked - my brother, kind as ever, described it as "IT salesman", which frankly is never a good thing. How will I get employed?!? Anyway, yes, this place; UK Pizza Parlour this ain't. The archetypal Surrey rich-ass-motherfucker still exists, and The Dining Room is where he eats. The food was utterly amazing, the wines delicious, the Swedish waitress even more so, and the bill was obscene. I couldn't stop laughing at how contrived it all was - I'm not used to anything so formal where you're afraid to even laugh. I'll take the food, but give me Eddie Izzard for some in-meal cabaret - for that money, I deserve it. Thank you.

With the exception of the Megadeth folk, it doesn't sound like I missed a particularly great weekend in this fair city. See, you all need me to function properly. Oh yes you do.

Random idea of the weekend: Dan, calling round before we had to go to the restaurant, has come up with a serious proposal about setting up a bookshop when we've finished our degrees. He's hiring a sexy assistant, so I get one too - any volunteers? And can you even start to imagine how great a bookshop me and Dan run would be? CAN YOU? HUH?

buckio@gmail.com — Fri, 04 Feb 2005 00:54:12 GMT

LoWeStOfT RuDe BoIz is actually the greatest website in the world. Nothing can beat it. Not shovel-loads of hardcore pornographic movies, not a collection of unreleased Pumpkins songs, nothing. This site can make you smile for hours, maybe days - before you realise what an awful state the education of the masses is in for something like this to even exist.

Seminar got cancelled - not until after I arrived on campus sniffling though - so it's been a real lazy day for yours truly. Bit of a rush tomorrow, what with trains, bank dealings and all sorts to deal with, before family meal and Rammstein on Saturday.

Have a good weekend y'all!

buckio@gmail.com — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 23:43:57 GMT

To anyone who's not doing anything Thursday or Friday night this week; go and see A Day In The Death Of Joe Egg at the UEA Drama Studio. I've just come back from there, and it left me utterly drained. In the best possible way. The acting is nothing short of superb, as befits a twisted script dripping in pathos, and I can't say anything more other than, especially in the second half, it will suck you in and drop you, stunned and barren, outside. Engrossing, hilarious, upsetting - the best 3.50 you're likely to spend this semester. I haven't been that affected by a play in my whole life. See it.

Well, more good news:

- Debit card is waiting for me at my local (ie home) branch of the bank. Thanks for not telling me guys...
-... at least I got some money out, and was able to "do" Ross Day...
-... and I found the ever elusive copy of Closer by Patrick Marber. Some may know that it has been made into a film starring Jude Law, Nathalie Portman et al - methinks it will be horribly Hollywood-ised. Not as twisted as Neilson, but certainly not especially mainstream.
- Saw aforementioned play with Jess.

Got a nasty rail replacement service on my way back to Naaarch on Sunday, in a rickety old bus all the way from London to Witham... Witham?!? Where the fuck is that?!?

Rammstein and my brother's birthday meal to look forward to though - I'm hoping to fit in some Croydon-based socialising too, but it may well be utter chaos, so accept my apologies if not.

G'night.

buckio@gmail.com — Tue, 01 Feb 2005 22:48:40 GMT

Today, Ian has:

- No money: final five pound note was spent on photocopying The D Word because the society printers were broken, and final pound coin was stolen by a machine which then chucked out a Snickers which I didn't ask for and despise. My cash card has stopped working for some reason, and there is no replacement at home, so I am, for all intents and purposes, completely broke.

- Gotten flu: just what I need, huh?

- Received no word from my tutor about the reading for Thursday's seminar. It's all a bit moot if I have to buy a book anyway, but there was no handout waiting for me to read. What's the damn point?

- Had to leave the bar within half an hour of turning up due to no money, no room, no drink, inability to hear people and being stricken by the damned illness.

- Forgotten to arrange a meetup with Sarah for Rammstein on Saturday. Well done me.

All in all, I'd say I've had quite a shit day.

buckio@gmail.com — Tue, 01 Feb 2005 12:21:30 GMT

*Phone rings. Display shows mystery number*

Me: Uuuhm, heeello?

Person: Where are you?

Me: Uuuhm, at home?

Person: Oh, right, I was just wondering if you wanted to come down the bar?

Me: Well, I'm not even dressed or anything yet, and I'm only coming onto campus later to sort out The D Word with Sarah...

Person: No, it's OK. I won't see you tonight because I'm going to Laserquest, but I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?

Me: Sure, yeah.

Person: Bye byeeeee...

*End of call*

*Pause*

Me: (to self) Who the hell just called me?

True story.

Edit: It was Jess. She'll probably hate me now for not recognising her and thinking it was actually Rachel using someone else's phone.

buckio@gmail.com — Mon, 31 Jan 2005 19:53:13 GMT

What a day:

- Woke up after 2 hours or so sleep on a sofa 3 feet wide. Left leg cramped for the whole of the day.

- Struggled through first seminar of the day before O'D-ing on caffeine in The Blend and getting caffeine jitters.

- Botching my presentation so badly that my seminar leader corrected me several times and I felt exceptionally stupid.

I just know it can get worse.

buckio@gmail.com — Sun, 30 Jan 2005 21:00:24 GMT

Graham on the left, and me with my "G'day-ngermouse" t-shirt on the right, looking dazed. Nice one monkey_pants for taking the picture.

Friday: Graham came down to fair Naaarich, and revealed he was going to the Australian Beach Party in the LCR. Knowing how bad these things normally are, I was loathe to go, until an extremely bored Adam moaned at me long enough to make me comply. We have, incidentally, precious few 'beach' clothes, so did our best with his 3/4 length trousers and random t-shirts. Consequently, we walked onto campus with extremely cold chicken legs on display - never again.

We had a few drinks in Vickie's kitchen beforehand, while at some point being disturbed by her troglodyte housemates throwing stuff at each other and listening to truly terrible garage music. But yes, equipped with Australian flag playing cards, we got to the LCR...

... And it really is as bad as I remember. Music-wise, anyway. At least the beer was cheap for club prices. But it was about as Australian as Wayne Rooney - tempting as it was to request AC/DC or Silverchair, I somewhat doubted the DJ would have that. Instead of an Australian tinge to the music, it just seemed like the same old stuff, with some cheesey (non-Australian) songs thrown in. A number of the Deviant contingent were present - that doesn't actually surprise me, really, since they're mostly piss-heads, and it was an excuse to get drunk if nothing else. Still, shame on them.

Graham and Vickie left, Adam wandered off, and so I spent the last hour mostly chatting with Richie, who revealed he reads this journal. I guess I should expect it really. Daisy randomly came and talked to/at us, gushing about how 'great' my short story was and how glad she was that I'd bought IanBuck.com. Don't worry Daisy, my chronicling of this story in a public access journal is in no way revealing your exploits to the world, so fear not.

Then back home, in the cold. Never again. Well, except on Thursday, but more on that later...

Saturday: The usual Wraith-y goodness following a very nothing day. Well, apart from myself and Adam drinking a bottle of wine each in front of Black Books and Friends - Bernard Black has nothing on us. The 'front was devoid of several regulars, and Graham, for reasons not needed here, but it was still OK. OK, nothing more, nothing less.

Today: To Ross' in a bit, after I've finished this work. Or at least tried to - I hate presentations with an absolute passion.

So that's it. Strolling around the city on Friday, I was confronted with a barrage of reminders about Valentine's Day. What a crock of shit. While an extended rant about it may be in particularly poor taste and judgment with recent events, I genuinely dislike it.

Buy an ill-thought out, rushed and horribly tacky and tasteless present for your special someone or you will DIE ALONE

Left, right, centre, above, below, within. This is where I end the rant, before it gets crazy and I upset people. Sorry.

Rumble.

buckio@gmail.com — Thu, 27 Jan 2005 19:16:22 GMT

From the BBC:

Sex movie mix-up shocks couple

A devout Baptist couple who bought a Doris Day DVD from a supermarket were shocked to find a sex film instead.

Alan and Anne Leigh-Browne, from Wellington, Somerset, had been expecting to enjoy The Pajama Game.

Instead they were confronted by Italian sex film - Tettone che Passione, which translates Breasts, What a Passion.

"Some topless young women appeared and started talking in Italian... it's not what you expect from a Doris Day film," Mr Leigh-Browne said.

Retired doctor Mr Leigh-Brown, 67, said he picked up the film, which was sealed in plastic wrapping, for ?2.99 from the bargain bin of a Safeway supermarket in Taunton.

No 'plot'

The couple, regular attendees at their local Baptist church, settled down with a cup of tea to watch the 1957 musical which has a U (universal) certificate.

"It was a pretty raunchy, explicit film, it certainly pulled no punches," Mr Leigh-Browne said.

"My wife and I were very shocked but we watched it until the end because we couldn't believe what we were seeing.

"The film became progressively more graphic, there was no plot to it, it was just sex."

Alan and his wife Anne, 60, a retired teacher, complained to Safeway the next day and all copies of The Pajama Game were removed from the store.

OK, two things:

1) ?2.99 for a porno DVD is awesomely cheap
2) If there was no plot to it, "just sex", why did you watch it to the end? I bet I know why, you dirty fuckers, the exact same reason I'd watch it to the end. Didn't it twig when a topless young woman introduced the thing? Did you turn round and go "My my, Doris Day must have been very young when she did this..."

I know they complained but the question is... did they take it back?

Old people + technology + bins = recipe for trouble.

buckio@gmail.com — Thu, 27 Jan 2005 15:04:57 GMT

Quick and snappy money shots:

- Purchased IanBuck.com last night in a fit of randomness as a place to stick my short stories and, hopefully when completed, songs I'm currently writing for the oft-delayed EP I've been planning since before Christmas. Besides, if by chance I get any form of notoriety in the future, I've safeguarded my good name - ha!

- Does anyone want to come and see A Day In The Death Of Joe Egg at the UEA Drama Studio next week? I saw a BBC4 production of it, starring Eddie Izzard among others, a while ago, and it's a seriously brilliant play. Come on, you know you want a bit of high culture in your life.

- We finally have toilet paper! Probably a bit too much information there...

- Having heard the We Skullfucked Pikachu demos Kit recorded, I can only feel sorry for whoever is going to drum for us...

All of the above leads me to believe I need a hobby that isn't Championship Manager.

buckio@gmail.com — Wed, 26 Jan 2005 17:27:38 GMT

The following things arrived today:

- Kane mask (I can hear the women of Norwich jump for joy in unison at the prospect of my face being under wraps)
- Jimmy Eat World ticket
- Plenty of junk mail
- My brother, Nan and mother, coming to scope out UEA's history department for my brother's university studies

The following things left today:

- My amp (so long, Billy's Bum - hello Mr Marshall, or shall I call you Jim?)
- My brother, Nan and mother, having scoped out UEA's history department and thoroughly liked it

I bailed on Ross Day in order to escort them all onto campus and guide them around - I do a better job than the hired guides anyway, because if I don't know something about the history of the university, I make it up, and make it weird. My brother eventually wandered off to attend some introductory lectures and chats, my mum sat through the tedium of the special "Parent Lectures (Don't Worry, We Won't Kill Your Child)", so my Nan and I sat in The Hive all afternoon chatting, reading books and, in my case, getting buzzed on more cappucino than I can comfortably handle. It all boils down to my brother loving the place (knew he would) and there is a distinct possibility you younger lot will be seeing my younger sibling, who looks nothing like me, wandering around campus dressed like a Russian soldier.

Ross has already chronicled the Pissy-Pants-Bezance story from last night, and that was the highlight of it all, so nothing really to tell. Does anyone know how to make Edmond go away? I've tried being snide all the way through to being openly antagonistic and telling him to leave me alone - even having Ross openly grope him didn't make him stay away for more than a few minutes. It's a desperate situation, it really is.

Happy Piercing Day to all those who got themselves impaled today. Good luck to you going through metal detectors and places with magnets.

buckio@gmail.com — Mon, 24 Jan 2005 18:30:55 GMT

For sale:

60 watt AXL guitar amplifier with onboard digital delay, 2 channels - clean and overdrive - and effects loop to prevent signal reduction from guitar to amp. Makes a hell of a lot of noise, sounds good as well, and in very good condition. 50 pounds to you, my friends. Please buy it, as I want Kit's Marshall. London types, I can get it to you if you let me know by Wednesday - Dan and Adz, I'm looking at you fellas.

Think of it as upgrading. It did have a nickname, for all those who know my tendancy to give monikors to my guitar equipment. "Billy's Bum", in reference to, firstly, Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins and, secondly, it's chunky size. Keep the name if you want, it's free. My new uber-distortion pedal, by the way, is called "Linford's Lunchbox". Yes, I'm weird, I know.

I have been told about, and am awaiting tabs for, two new We Skullfucked Pikachu songs. They sound absolutely amazing lyrically, and no doubt will do sonically since Kit wrote the music. Let's just say - you won't forget "Baby-B-Gone" in some time...

So come to the gig!

Food now, pub later - and it had better not be fucking snowing when I walk out that door.

buckio@gmail.com — Sun, 23 Jan 2005 20:50:35 GMT

Say, Condi, wanna skip this bunch of crap and go see Slayer?

buckio@gmail.com — Thu, 20 Jan 2005 23:10:25 GMT

Yet another accurately-targeted piece of advertising...

Like-minded Christians, eh? By that you would mean Christians who don't believe in God or Christ, then? Good to know the church is catering for atheists these days too y'know...

Keep it free you motherfuckers

buckio@gmail.com — Thu, 20 Jan 2005 00:13:07 GMT

Thursday. 24th February 2005. The Marquee. Norwich.

Powerchord Promotions present...

WE SKULLFUCKED PIKACHU ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY SHOW

The original trio put together yet another random motley crew of musically minded vagabonds to rape and pillage your eardrums with an offensive cacophony to celebrate a year (well, almost) of their inaugural gig, at the venue where it all started. A gig no-one should miss, with supports to be booked but bound to make you want to jump over your own grave to see.

We don't rip you off.
We don't have a ten year plan.
We skullfucked Pikachu.

N.B. Should mention that, since I'm involved with organising parts of this, it is in association with ASLEF aka Total And Complete Bastard Promotions. Awesome name, no?

buckio@gmail.com — Tue, 07 Dec 2004 18:44:08 GMT

After what can only be termed as a complete schiz-out last night, I've come back to my senses and am forming some kind of work. Thanks to a combination of fresh air, coffee, hot mince pies, a non-emo scarf, Spongebob Squarepants, random songs and suicide bunnies, I regained my composure and set about a plan that I've sort-of worked through today. Essentially, I have 2,000 words to do on one essay, and a complete plan of my second where I have tomorrow to write up the whole thing. Hard, but do-able, especially if I get the first one out of the way tonight. Might take a couple of hours if I use tons of quotes from all the resources I've found. So fingers crossed. And sorry to anyone who had to put up with me last night; I'm calm again, promise.

Probably against my better judgment, I'll be in the pub later to unwind and get my head off work. And also because I owe Chris fifteen pounds thanks to last Tuesday's drunken stupidity. Evening of Cokes tonight, I think.

And now, back to your regular programming.

xxx

buckio@gmail.com — Sun, 21 Nov 2004 21:14:36 GMT

1. Who was the last person you yelled at?
- Probably Ross. I don't do shouting that much.
2. Who was the last person you kissed?
- I actually can't remember. Proof that a) it was a long time ago, b) that I was wasted, and c) my sense of chronology sucks. Also: d) they never seem to mean anything.
3. What was the last memorable book you read?
- Currently reading "Was" by Geoff Ryman, which is fairly memorable and rather good.
4. When did you last dance?
- Friday at Chains. Well, if you call my jerky arhythmic lurching 'dancing'.
5. What's the last thing you want to hear from your parents?
- "We've turned the house into a bordello", "We're hosting an Ann Summers party" or "We are now a naturist household".
6. When did you last go for a walk?
- I often end up "going for a walk" on the way back from nights out since I tend to go home alone most of the time.
7. When did you last do your ironing?
- I AM MAN. MAN NO IRON.
8. When was the last time you smiled all day?
- I honestly can't say I've ever done that. Usually something for me to mope about during the course of the day.
9. What color of socks do you normally wear?
- Black. Daft question.
10. Did you ever attend a private school?
- Nevar. Grammar School, but not private.
11. Do you like stuffed animals?
- Only if they are aflame.
12. Have you ever smashed pumpkins?
- Ah-ha-ha-ha, I like what you've done there! Yes, yes I happen to be partial to Smashing Pumpkins.
13.
- Is it unlucky to put a question here? Pussy.
14. Can you quote Shakespeare?
-"No way but this, killing myself, to die upon a kiss."
15. Do you like playing baseball?
- Rounders for the steroid generation. Grew out of it after primary school, thank you very much.
16. Are you a neat freak?
- No, I am a very untidy freak.
17. What is the worst injury you have ever given someone?
- Stripy's shin-of-purple-bruising-doom.
18. Do you ever eat lemons plain?
- That would be a stupid thing, surely?
19. Have you ever fired a gun?
- Air pistol, supervised, at a non-living target. No bloody fun.
20. Do you own any knee-high boots?
- That would be... No, of course I don't.
21. Are you attracted to extreme people?
- I'm attracted to the wrong people, so maybe they're extreme. I don't know.
22. Do you have a crush on somebody?
- I'll keep you all guessing. Or you can make one up.
23. Do you like swimming in lakes?
- One day I want to swim in the broad on campus. That'd be toxic.
24. Have you ever streaked at a football game or any other public event?
- I'm pretty sure there'd many people who'd pay good money for me not to streak.
25. What is your favorite gemstone?
- The Dark Crystal.
26. Have you gone on many blind dates?
- No, even if dating blind girls might be a helpful direction for me.
27. Has someone done something extra nice for you?
- In relation to...?
28. Did you have a crush on any of your teachers?
- All I can remember of year 10 French lessons are Madameoiselle Andre's breasts. I think that skipped me several levels of puberty in one go. Holy moly.
29. Have you ever been lost in a bad part of a city?
- I was nearly-lost in Norwich after the Bosstones gig at the start of my first year, walking past some chavs revving in the Big W car park. About as bad as it's been.
30. Would you rather have a mint or fruit flavored gum?
- Minty fresh.
31. Do you have road rage?
- If I could drive, I'd have the best road rage ever. With guns and everything.
32. Have you ever eaten grass?
- Yes, and I recommend it all to you.
33. Do you ever eat food right out of cans or jars?
- I have been known to. What, it's easier.
34. Has your mind ever gone blank?
- Usually when writing essays. When I try to sleep, my mind races at about a hundred miles an hour, and it takes me forever to drift off. No fair.
35. Have you ever met anyone interesting at a laundry mat?
- Army dude. He was a tosser.
36. Do you have recurring dreams?
- Frankly, my dreams are best left unrepeated.
37. Are you kind?
- I'd like to think so, despite my angry and nasty rhetoric here/in real life/everywhere.
38. Would you give a needy person the shirt off your back?
- They'd probably look better in it than me anyway.
39. Do you have any beanie babies?
- The whole fucking shooting match.
40. Would you rather be hot or cold?
- Cold, since there's no way I will ever be 'hot'.
41. Is the glass half full, or empty?
- I only use bottles.
42. Do you exercise or work out regularly?
- 100 sit ups a day. Not that anyone would know.
43. Could you kill if your life was threatened?
- I could break down in tears or run away, if that counts?
44. Have you ever tubed down a river?
- That sounds like something I never want to do.
45. Have you ever kissed a dog on the mouth?
- Um, no. You weirdos.
46. Are you accident prone?
- Totally. There's a reason that "Breaking things accidentally" is on my list of interests.
47. Is Charles in charge?
- He's no boss of me.
48. How many squares of toilet paper do you use at a time?
- 24. Keep hand-ass contact to a minimum.
49. Have you ever had acupuncture done to you?
- Why do I want needles in me? Really?
50. Are you a menace to society?
- Only my face. And I'm getting a mask, I promise.
51. Do you eat regurgitated bee food?
- Don't try and be smart with me, sunshine. I eat honey sometimes, yes.
52. Do you play hopscotch?
- Hopscotch. Primary school. Bullies. Gary Thorne. Crap teachers. People I hated. Thanks a lot.
53. Are you jealous of beautiful people?
- Well, yeah. I mean, look at me.
54. Do you play with the food on your plate?
- Only if it asks me nicely.
55. When you were born was the umbilical cord wrapped around you neck?
- ... You are so stupid, anonymous internet quiz author.
56. Drums or flute?
- I like to BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG drums.
57. What do you dread?
- Ross Day.
58. What do you look forward to?
- Not-Ross Day.
59. Are you fond of strippers?
- I find that kind of thing can get you kicked out by bouncers.
60. Are you a dirty old man?
- Well on the way.
61. Can you twist your tongue upside down?
- I haven't tried. Maybe.
62. Have you ever tried to photograph a ghost?
- What a stupid thing to do.
63. XS or XXL?
- XS, Chains style. I like to feel anorexic.
64. Do you have nude photos of yourself posted on the internet?
- It is likely. I also get naked old internet men commenting on my t-shirt - infinitely more disturbing.
65. Do you have a guilty conscience?
- Maybe if I actually did something to deserve it.
66. Angel or devil?
- Well, I'm heading for Hell. But only Mormons get into Heaven, so I think I'm pretty much par for the course.
67. Would you enter a burning building to save a kitten?
- It wouldn't do the same for me.
68. Do you kill innocent creatures with your bare hands or let the slaughterhouse workers do it out of sight and mind?
- If I don't see the animals getting killed, my chicken burger may as well be made from corn.
69. Are you considered "normal"?
- Absolutely not. I am considered by most to be a dangerous, sadistic menace to mirrors.
70. Are you presently dating an alien?
- Why yes, yes I am. She does not judge me like you cruel Earth folk.
71. Do you want to skydive?
- I have no death wish, thank you.
72. Have you ever tried to walk on water?
- Hahaha, maybe the day I turn insane.
73. Odd or even?
- Even.
74. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John?
- Mingo, Mary and Mudge. And Kenneth.
75. Distant or closer?
- Huh...? Oh, sorry, wasn't paying attention.
75. Ecstasy?
- If you're dealin', I'm squealing. To the cops, not out of ecstasy. Oh how funny I am.
76. Do you like avocados?
- Not after seeing the state of Waitrose fruit and veg prep rooms.
77. Have you ever been told that you talk too much?
- That is one thing that can never be levelled at me.
78. What?s the worst name you?ve ever been called?
- Becky had a dream in which I was called "Phillip". Since that's the only name that doesn't require way too much explanation that isn't obscene, that's my answer.
79. What?s the funniest song?
- Farm Song. Oh you know it's true.
80. Would you live in Siberia for 2 years to save the world?
- Give me 5 reasons why the world is worth saving and you have a deal.
81. Do you like to party?
- Always.
82. Do you like to clean?
- Ha! Nothing wrong with a few germs ya pansies!
83. What?s the longest you?ve slept?
- Not long enough.
84. Have you ever been in the hospital?
- A couple of times. Nothing bad, you'll be sad/glad to hear.
85. What?s the scariest thing you?ve ever been through?
- Having to run home underneath thunderstorms has left me terrified for hours afterwards.
86. Are we ever going to have world peace?
- Not a hope. Hell if we're alive in 4 years, I owe you a Coke.
87. When?s the last time you went on vacation?
- Greece for my Mum's wedding, October 2002.
88. When?s the last time you took a bath?
- I AM MAN. MAN NO BATHE.
89. Have you ever been abducted by aliens?
- That would be pretty careless wouldn't it?
90. If you could remove one word from the English language?
- "English". That'd be a laugh.
91. What?s the best memory you have of your childhood?
- Madameoiselle Andre's boobs.
92. Are you addicted to anything?
- Part of me wants to say valium, but instead I'll stick with "whatever Pete Doherty is addicted to this month oh he's so tragic blah blah blah cockstick".
93. Would you rather type or write?
- I write in a manner that I'm sure will give me arthritis sooner or later, so typing and the RSI that goes with it is far preferable.
94. Do you know any foreign language?
- I know foreign countries speak them. German up to GCSE, French up to AS, English to a fairly remedial primary school level.
95. What do you never leave home without?
- Clothes. That would be embarassing.
96. What?s the most expensive thing you?ve ever bought?
- I build my PC in parts over time, so never shelled out for it in one go. So... my SG. 240 of the most rock and roll pounds I'll ever fritter away.
97. What?s under your bed?
- A pair of knickers (don't ask me whose) and lots of paper.
98. What food would you never eat?
- Tuna. I still want it banned from the house.
99. Would you rather live on the Sun or the Moon?
- Given I'd be out of oxygen on both, it's a bit moot really isn't it?
100. What did you learn today?
- That questionnaires make me sound stupid/emo/angry/bigoted/emo/self-pitying. And that having to do work instead of hang out with friends makes me feel guilty. Sorry Rach.

xxx

buckio@gmail.com — Thu, 11 Nov 2004 16:15:19 GMT

Today we remember all those millions of people, soldiers or otherwise, who have laid down their lives in the pursuit of freedom; not for them, but for people they will never meet, people in generations beyond. They gave the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good of humanity, in the hope that their families in later generations would never have to suffer the horrors of war. Such selflessness must always be admired.

Today we are engaged in a war instigated by two men who have never known such terrors, and never will; they will send off young men and women to lay down their lives for no good reason, to die for their own murderously selfish agenda, and bring pain and suffering to their families.

Tony Blair and George Bush, I truly hope you don't even pretend to honour the memories of those who died in wars past, because you've disrespected everything they died for. You've spit in the face of those who ensured your safety and freedoms.

I really hope you feel ashamed.

xxx

buckio@gmail.com — Mon, 08 Nov 2004 18:43:07 GMT

Somethingawful.com dissects the NME:

Cultural Importance: They?d have you believe that they are single-handedly responsible for discovering every single band that has ever gone on to do anything even remotely good. To some extent, the jerks might be right: they?ve been around since about 1820 and since it?s a weekly paper, they have to come up with four times as much crap to write every month. Therefore, they will do features on any band that so much as trips over a guitar in a darkened room, often proclaiming them to be the saviors of rock and roll and the greatest thing since The Smiths and the one band that you MUST see before you die. They?re wrong ninety-nine percent of the time, but they never fail to gloat like the drunken bastards they are whenever some band they wrote about first breaks into the mainstream. Answer me this, NME: what the fuck happened to Terris or Marion or any of the other shitty bands you proclaimed to be the successors to Joy Division? Yeah, I bet you thought I?d forgotten about them, like everyone else. They operate on the same principle as psychics: they rely on the fact that you?ll remember when they?re right and forget when they?re wrong. Our best defense is to write them letters every week asking them why Terris never made it big, in order to embarrass them into more responsible journalism.

Cover Story: Oh, apparently the guy from the Libertines is still stumbling around in a drunken haze, like he?s been doing on the cover of NME for the last two years straight. What a jolly surprise. This time he?s in a band called Babyshambles, which is maybe the worst band name I?ve ever heard. I guess I can?t blame him, since Hootie and the Blowfish was already taken.

Other Features of Note: NME is convinced that all of their readers have elaborate shrines to NME covering their walls; therefore, each issue must contain at least a few Tiger Beat-style glossy pullout photographs of hot bands. This week?s glossy photos are of live performances by such historical heavy hitters as The Jam, Nirvana, The White Stripes, The Ramones, and... Razorlight? Oh yeah, wait a minute, this is NME and they?re not-too-subtly trying to canonize some shitty band of nobodies by placing them alongside The Ramones and The Jam. Do they think we?re stupid? Yes.

Interesting Music News: An ORGY of burgers, HOTEL PORN, and Harry Potter-baiting: it can only mean NME is ON TOUR with punk-pop boyband McFLY. Yeah, that headline just about sums up the trashy rag that NME has become. Oh, and this is the last time you?re ever going to hear about McFly.

Fucking hilarious. Read the rest of it here. Before Ashcroft shuts it down with all the other satire websites of vaguely American origin.

xxx